Origins of Phoenix
by strayphoenix
Summary: The completly true origins of the Phoenix Force. Has to do with Humphrey Bogart, 1945, Drew Carey, the Royal Stick of DOOM, The Powerpuff girls, Cher, Stan Lee, the Brooklyn Bridge, and Stargate. oneshot


_**Origins of Phoenix**_

In some random reality in the random middle of some really random space, a random black hole opens and randomly closes in the random time of 36.93 seconds. Just as it is randomly closing, a random little chick pops randomly out. How random.

"I'm here!" she announces with a squeaky voice.

To be honest, she's not much of a bird. She's small and on fire but she hardly has any feathers (not that it would matter because she's on fire). She flaps her teeny wings for a bit to keep herself upright. She gets tired rather quickly and stops, allowing herself to tumble through space. At the point when she has turned exactly 180 degrees, she announces to no one in particular that she's hungry.

"I'm hungry! ………I think I'll go eat a star!"

She flaps, hobbles, and teeters her way to the nearest star and jumps into it cannonball style. The star goes supernova, incinerating all its planets and many trillions of aliens. When the star finishes blowing up, all that's left is her.

"I'm fully!" she announces to the universe, completely and blissfully unaware that she is the only living thing for billions of light years around. She burps.

"Well! Better get to work destroying the universe!" she tells herself. "Woohoo!"

She flaps off in a random direction at a pretty randomly fast speed for a baby phoenix of 230,943,810,832.5 light-years per hour. She misses the same random black hole that spat her into this dimension open again and an enormous fully grown Phoenix fly randomly out. How random.

"Phoe!" she calls out into space. "Phoe, sweetheart! What did Mommy tell you about flying into random black holes, baby?" She looks around, waiting for a response. When she receives none, she drops her cheery nature for a seriously pissed one.

"Great. Now I have to chase her all over the flaming universe like I had to do with the 5493 universe" She sighs and puts her flaming-fire-bird-source-of-all-life-goddess's equivalent of a smile on and started flying off in a random direction.

"Phoe! Come to Mommy Phoe! I've got cookies! And stars!...and star shaped cookies!"

**_

* * *

_**

**_On Planet Floof..._**

"Hi! I'm the Phoe! What's your name?" she asks.

The frog ribbits.

"What's it like to be a frog?" she cocks her head to a side.

The frog ribbits.

"That sounds like fun!" she chirps. "Can I posses you now?"

The frog ribbits.

"You're so nice froggy!" She flies into it and becomes the frog.

She ribbits.

Then she flies back out. The frog falls into a coma.

"Thanks for lending me your body froggy, but I can't take over the universe in you cute little body" she says. "Can we still be friends?...I'll take your still and lifeless body as a yes! Bye froggy!"

She flies off in search of another planet. The frog ribbits telepathically

_**

* * *

**_

**_Elsewhere..._**

"Excuse me, can you help me?" Mama Phoenix asks a random alien that strangely looks a lot like Humphrey Bogart.

"Sure! Would you like to purchase some assorted nuts?" He holds up a bag.

"No thank you. Can you have to help my find my daughter? She's got psychological problems. She thinks she's the end of the world!"

"Sure thing, Lassie! I'll just round up the Inter-dimensional Brigade of Gorgeous Illegal Nut Farmers!"

Mama Phoenix pauses a moment, "I.B.O.G.I.N.F.?"

"Yes! Like the endangered species of whale!" Humphrey exclaims. "I think Eroll Flynn is on vacation but Gary Grant should be around here somewhere…"

Mama Phoenix looks at him skeptically. "No thanks. Go back to farming your nuts"

The Watcher for this particular planet snorts. "There's a joke here but I'm going to let it go"

"If the universe blows up, I'll know where to send my complaints!" he called after her as she flew off back into space. While doing so, she set fire to the atmosphere, blocking out the sun and setting the fields on fire.

"AHH! MY NUTS!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**On Planet Picadillo...**_

"Hi! I'm Phoe! What's your name?"

A confused human responds, "_Chica_, my name is Eduardo!"

"Cool! I'm Phoe!" she repeats. "Does everyone here talk as funny as you?"

"Why _si_ flaming _pajarito_! Here, we are all displaced Cubans!"

Nearby, a man walks by pushing a bathtub with a pork inside roasting over a coal fire.

"Where's Cuba?" Phoe asks.

"It's on this _planeta _called Earth"

Nearby, another man walks by pushing a bathtub with a cat inside roasting over a coal fire.

"And why are all you funny speaking people here and not there?"

"Well, Miami wouldn't take us in anymore, _amiga_, so we started shooting ourselves into space!"

"Cool! With what? Bathtubs?" Phoe asks as another man passes with a bathtub roasting a lava lamp.

"Of course not, _chica!_ We used 1945 BMWs!" he points proudly at the smoldering remains of a car behind him where a dazed family is emerging. "Of course, we had to attach _grandisimo_ rockets to the back of it"

"Cool!" Phoe says, using her favorite word. "Can I posses you now to destroy the universe?"

"You might not want to _amiga._ I just ate some of Carlito's baked beans"

"Thank you!" she exclaims ignoring him as she posses Eduardo. Suddenly she clutches her stomach in pain.

"Ah! I don't feel so good…"

The other Cubans realize what is happening and all go hide behind the huge statue of Babe Ruth. Eduardo spontaneously combusts leaving Phoe standing on the ground in the middle of a smoldering crater.

"Wow! That sucked!" she exclaims cheerfully. "Hey! I wonder if there's anybody on Earth I could posses!"

And with that she sets off into the skies, barely missing another BMW crash landing on the planet.

"_Amiga!_" someone shouts after her, "Come back! We're out of cat!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**Else-Elsewhere...**_

"Well that was absolutely pointless…" Mama Phoenix grumbles as she stands over the bodies of a thousand Shi'ar soldiers and Drew Carrey. "All this incinerating is making me thirsty. I guess I'm going to have to eat your meaningless star after all"

She leaps into the atmosphere to go eat the star when the rest of the Shi'ar shows up with Lilandra.

"OMG!" she exclaims looking at the bodies and the wreckage, "SHE KILLED DREW CARREY! SHE WILL _**DIE!!!!**_"

"I honestly didn't think he was that funny" the commander of the Royal Guard comments. Lilandra swings her Royal Stick of _**DOOM **_and kills him.

"Gladiator! Come here! You've been promoted!" she shouts. Gladiator approaches and bowes. "Find whoever did this and kill them!"

"But, you highness…" he begins but is cut off when Lilandra raises her Royal Stick of _**DOOM **_which promptly has him cowering in fear.

"Please! No! Anything but _the stick!_"

"Go now!"

_**

* * *

**_

_**On Planet Earth...**_

Phoe peers in through one of the windows of the Xavier Institute and spots several X-Men walking by. Some of them look like crap other look hot and a couple of them are making out with each other. They are being followed by several new recruits who look like hobos or dejected Cubs fans.

Phoe spots a pretty red-haired woman bringing up the rear comforting one of the Cubs fans who looks like he's been crying.

_He probably ate a pepper_ Phoe thinks amused. "I like the girl with red hair. She's pretty…dangerous! She'll be great for destroying the universe!"

Phoe phases through the window and flies into Jean. Inside though, Jean's so smart, she has trouble taking over her brain.

Meanwhile, Jean starts randomly smacking her ear.

"Jean? What's wrong? Do you have water in your ear?" Logan asks.

She shakes her head as she stops smacking herself. "No, Logan. I think I've just been possessed by the random daughter of a flaming-fire-bird-source-of-all-life-goddess named the Phoenix who thinks that she is the end of all that is when she's really the source of all life but has no idea about it because she is on the verge of absolute insanity and she feels the need to posses a human body so she achieve her goal of incinerating the planet and then eventually the whole universe"

"Oh" was his response. He was very lost. "Am I supposed to kill you now?"

"What do you think this is? The movie-universe?" she snaps. "Go get Scott!"

Logan leaves and Scott walks in with a towel around his waist, a Powder-puff Girl's shower cap on his head and a rubber ducky. He isn't wet.

"Scott, I think I've just been possessed by the random daughter of a flaming—"

"I know" he says, "Logan told me"

"He remembered everything I said?" she asks curiously.

"No he just said 'Jeannie needs you to kill her so get out of the (_insert inappropriate word here_) shower'"

He pauses. "So do I kill you now?"

"What do you think this is? The PG Evolution universe?" she snaps yet again. "You have to sleep with my arch nemesis first!"

"Ok" he responds as he started to walk away. But he stops and turns back to her.

"But where am I going to find Mariah Carey?"

"My other arch Nemisis you dimwit!"

"Cher?"

"EMMA!"

"But I thought you two were friends!"

"I BROKE HER (_insert inappropriate word here_)ING LEG IN THE LAST CAT FIGHT WE HAD!"

Scott was very confused. "I thought she fell down the stairs?"

"I PUSHED HER!"

"Oh"

"Now go! And don't come back to kill until you've had breakfast in bed and she's tutored you in evil cackling"

"Ok!" Scott starts off at a trot in the direction of Emma's room.

Suddenly Jean gets a weird look on her face as Phoe finally takes over.

"There we go! Now where was I?" Phoe-Jean asks herself. "Oh, yeah…"

Suddenly, the roof blows off the mansion sending the X-Men, Fantastic Four, Hulk, Spiderman, Avengers, and Stan Lee who was visiting to taunt them about their lack of power over him, flying everywhere. Stan Lee lands on a whale somewhere in the Atlantic.

"I AM PHOENIX! I'M ALL POWERFUL AND SHIT AND NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ME OR STOP ME FROM INCINERATING THE WHOLE UNIVERSE BECAUSE I'M JUST THAT ALL POWERFUL AND AWESOME!" Jean who was actually Phoe exclaims.

_Cool!_ Phoe thinks to herself, _I can use swear words!_

She starts throwing fire from her hands and burning things left and right including the Brooklyn Bridge and several people named 'Macy'.

"Hey! That's my power!" Pyro complains. Jean incinerates him.

"Jean!" comes a cry from below. Phoe-Jean looked down to where Scott was still with the towel. "I'm sorry I'm an asshole and jerk and a stiff—"

"And a loser!" Bobby adds.

"—and a moron but I still love you and I would all really _really_ appreciate it if you don't incinerate the universe so we can get married and have a child from an alternate dimension to do it for you"

Suddenly and randomly, Mama Phoenix finds her way to Earth and witnesses the better part of Scott's confession.

"Yes, Phoe! Listen to the queer guy in the glasses and come back home!" she exclaims. She pulls out some star shaped cookies from **_elsewhere..._**

"Chips Ahoy!" Phoe exclaims as she jumps out of Jean's body and starts eating the cookies from her mother. However, jumping out of Jean's body made Jean fall into a coma and plummet to Earth. Luckily, she managed to throw a shield around herself and land in the bottom of Jamaica Bay.

"Come now, Phoe. Lets go home so you can take your meds!"

"Yay!" Phoe exclaims as she and her mother disappear through another random black whole that randomly appears within the atmosphere and are actually are side effects from the Stargate program.

* * *

**_The White Hot Room..._**

Jean blinked a couple times as Gladiator finished telling her the story.

"Gee, that's not how I remember it at _all…_" Jean said shaking her head in disbelief.

"Well, that's what happened" he admitted as he laid down his hand of cards. "I just thought it was too boring so I rewrote everyone's memory for the whole self sacrifice thing cuz I thought it was more dramatic. I have two pair, by the way"

"Go figure" Jean commented as she laid down her hand. "Full House"

"Hah!" exclaimed Uncle Ben, throwing down his hand triumphantly. "Three pair, suckers!"

Bucky sighed and left the table completely broke.

THE END

* * *

Again, written with the lovely help of White X-Slayer. We make a great pair, don't we? 

Things that are not mine: All of the X-Men, Humphrey Bogart, Eroll Flynn, Gary Grant, Cubans (no offense intended), BMWs, Babe Ruth, Drew Carey, Lilandra and the Shi'ar, the Cubs (again, no offense intended), The Power-puff girls, Mariah Carrey, Cher, Fantastic Four, Hulk, Spiderman, Avengers, Stan Lee, the Atlantic, Brooklyn Bridge, Chips Ahoy, Stargate, Uncle Ben, Bucky, and poker.


End file.
